Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Cybill & MaryAnn a.k.a. Jenny & Jill

Well, today was the first day of two hour separation class for Andrew, Michael, John and Melissa - Andrew is my son, Michael is Jill's, John is Crissy's son and Melissa is Jade's daughter - these four kids have basically been together in Mommy (or Daddy) and Me classes since they were a little over a year. The separation anxiety was more the mom's than the children's - at least in my case and Jill's case.

Jill & I comforted each other on the phone last night - I thought I was going to puke this morning - and Crissy said to John "so long" and shut the door. Crissy adds: "It was more then just so long. It was get your hands off the door jam because your fingers are going to get hurt when I slam the door and run up the stairs. Good thing I only went to TJ Maxx. I only spent $80." Jade was a little more apprehensive than Crissy but not as bad as Jill & I.

Jill & I - peeked in the classroom window several times before we left. All the moms stood out front waiting for each other to come out to see which child cried and screamed...but overall everyone did well - except the moms...Jill & I spent a small fortune at five stores that we went to during the two hour class. We got back to the school 20 minutes early, peeked in the windows again, went downstairs to the classroom and listened at the door and then we finally cracked open the door so we could hear better....we were amazed at how well the kids did and how much money we spent to comfort ourselves - most of it on the kids.

Jade walked in first and laughed when she saw Jill & I listening at the school entrance...Crissy walked in and called us both losers...but then Jade admitted she was weepy either from missing Melissa or being able to grocery shop ALONE!

All the while when Jill & I were sneaking around -- reminded me of Cybill & MaryAnn in the show Cybill - dressing in black -- doing "illegal things" to get back at MaryAnn's ex-husband DOCTOR DICK - it was fun and sad. Our babies are growing up and Jill and I make damn good spies. I bet we could find Osama.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Duck comments

This deserves its own spot - not just in the comment section...

Ankit said...
There's a guy at work who knows a person who knows a person who knows that duck hunter! He coincidentally also knows Kevin Bacon (just kidding, but I hear he's six degrees from everyone.)
January 29, 2007 8:42 PM
Andrew's Mom said...
They say the duck hunter was Dick Cheney and the duck was a governmental experiment, OCD. Operation Combat Duck.
January 30, 2007 9:48 AM

Monday, January 29, 2007

Q Update: Letter Q located...

At approximately 1:30 p.m. I found the missing puzzle piece - the letter Q. It somehow got under the couch - on top of a t.v. tray and was hiding when I looked there last week. I did a happy dance when I found it...Andrew was not as excited as I was. I hate missing pieces to's my obsessive compulsive nature.

Now I can rest comfortably tonight.

That Duck is amazing ...

The duck that was shot and stuck in a refrigerator for two days and lived - flat lined in surgery and is now okay again!

That is one lucky duck....her name is Perky. I think they got some kind of Pet Sematary (yes, that is King's correct spelling) thing going on down there in God's waiting room, Florida.

My mom is like that - she has been dying for twenty years now. She is sick, miserable, mean and not a nice person on top of being mentally ill....I keep saying "GO TO THE LIGHT!" I guess we'll start calling her Perky.

Friday, January 26, 2007

A dry one...

Now Andrew's new thing is "I want a dry one". Waffle, pancake, chicken nugget, noodle, mashed potatoes....everything he says needs to be dry? Where does he get this stuff? And worse yet, here I am patting dry a damn chicken nugget and wiping down a french fry. Grammy, Emmy, Golden Globe -- there needs to be some award show for this....

And the Silver Diaper award goes to: "Andrew's Mom for blow drying a spaghetti noodle."

Everybody wants to be like me...

What a burden.

First our friend, Ankit and then his friend, S (what is that like Prince, Cher, Madonna...the symbol formerly known as Prince?) my friend Tina is thinking of blogging. I've always been a leader....

My husband and his best friend, Pete, are having multiple orgasms (and they said men couldn't have them) because Van Halen is reuniting with Roth for a concert tour starting in May. My husband already packed his suitcase. I can't say I have ever felt that way about any musical artist. I did love Luther Vandross and saw him in St. Louis (Sinbad opened for him). Before his stroke, he came to NY and I begged my husband to go see him with me...but he is just way too Caucasian to enjoy a gay, black male singing love songs...oh boy that man could sing. Now Luther is gone and I will hold that over my husband's head for the rest of his life.

At the St. Louis concert, I sat in front of a very, very large lady who kept screaming out "drag me across the floor, Luther"...I'm not sure what that would have done for her - but I know it would have put Luther's back right out or caused a cardiac episode. That concert, Jackson Browne and Paul Simon -- my favorites. I guess, I haven't really seen too many - I'm afraid to admit - I saw Hank Williams Jr. twice when I was younger....Bocephus...loved him too, saw Alabama (may have been the same concert), saw Tonic at a small club in St. Louis and that is probably it. I love music - don't love annoying people in bad t-shirts standing in front of me, behind me and around me - singing ...I didn't pay $49.50 to hear bad karaoke.

Thursday, January 25, 2007


Okay, I've spent the better part of today looking for the damn letter "Q". That alphabet train puzzle that Andrew does 32 times a day - "Q" is missing. (Reminds me of the Sesame Street parody on Law and Order - Special Letters Unit - "SLU" - I need to call them in - can you describe the "Q" - well, it's round and has a backwards comma on the bottom of it - and it's on the lamb." Suddenly you hear baa baa in the background.

Now we have the number train too - he saw it at Marshalls and flipped out. Letters and numbers - did you ever think a parent would complain about a child wanting to play with letters and numbers all's not that I mind that - it's just he needs me there to supervise - (missing letters etc.) - when he plays trucks - I don't need to be there to be the pit crew - I can be scrubbing the toilet.

So we do matching games (letters and numbers), alphabet games, number games...all day long...every in and day out. He better be a rich writer or scientist and buy me a big fancy house for all this educational stuff!

We signed up for a toddler play program yesterday at the Police Athletic League in New Hyde Park. The teacher Miss Bess - is a tiny thing with a big whistle. They seem to listen more times than not. Either yesterday or Tuesday at class, kids were running everywhere and someone said they would need Tylenol before teaching the class - I said, "I would need a Morphine drip" to do it.

Well, I'm doing everything possible to get the ABC/123 Prodigy to use the potty - every night before he takes a bath he pees on the potty - but he likes to "poop in the corner" as he puts it. Every day he tries to find something new to freak me out "I like my poopy diaper." "I like my stinky cup." (If I find his cup all gross and laying in the corner.) Today, while wiping him and changing his diaper...he was complaining - I told him, "don't you want to be all clean and not be stinky anymore"...he said, "No, I like to eat my poop." Dear God, he hasn't but he says things to get a rise out of me - honestly - I'm not making this up - he waits for my reaction.

I know he would never try to eat anything of that nature - because he freaks out when he gets chocolate icing on his fingers from a cupcake and he loves those. "Wipe my hands mommy....Dry my hands mommy."

Off to make supper. The baby onesie cookies are done! Hooray!

Tonight I can do nothing but read cookbooks and watch brainless television. God Bless America!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Too tired and busy to rant

I've been up to my elbows in cranky, biting toddlers, decorating cookies and cooking something "new" every night. I have 500 cookbooks - I should start making something different every night so I can hope to get through a few dozen of them before I die.

I have to go get dinner going. Andrew is napping for the first time in FOREVER and I can't get over the eerie quiet. I love being Andrew's mom - but it's nice not to hear Mommy every 45 seconds followed by a blood curdling scream and/or the sound of a matchbox car hitting the front window.

I'll be back to rant soon.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Ducks and Refrigerators

My husband is funny but I don't laugh outloud at most of his humor because I'm around it all the time (no, I'm not like Mrs. Costanza).

Today, I laughed outloud. I was reading on about the poor duck that was shot twice and then put in the fridge and two days later Mrs. Fudd opened the fridge door and the duck raised his head. Jim said, "Usually when I open the refrigerator the light just comes on." Now that was funny. Duck is now being treated and expected to make a recovery, hunter thinking about taking up another way of putting meat on the table.

We were watching the football game (New England v. Colts) and I thought NE stood for Nebraska...anyway - I was looking through a cookbook as I am want to do while watching football that doesn't involve Jeremy Shockey and I asked Jim, "do you ever think about living in a small town or in the mountains" (we live on Long Island in New York) and he said, "there are coyotes in the mountains". I said, "there are coyotes in New Jersey!". Yesterday on the news a story about a wild coyote biting a boy near or at his school...Jim said, "but that is a city coyote"... I can see the Roadrunner going by now ... beep beep.

Inspiring others...

It is nice to see that I inspire greatness in others. Here is the blog of one of my husband's co-workers/friends. I commented as to how he could entitle it theuntoldlegend.... if he was going to tell it? - Actually, my comment had an error in that I referred to his title as untold story - but I'm old and tired and didn't want to figure out if I could edit a comment...who really reads these things anyway? Not my husband for sure.

Arrggghhhh...why do men watch football when "their" teams aren't even playing?

Jenny Jenny Jenny

My name is Jenny.

My husband calls me Jen. That is fine. He's my husband, he can call me that (it is preferred to wench, b*t*h or woman).

People he knows calls me Jen. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that. He says it is because he always says "Jen this..." "Jen that..." (again preferred to "that old lady of mine...")...

I never sign anything Jen, I never leave a message starting "this is Jen", when someone answers the phone, I never say, "Hi, this is Jen." Idios mio.

Then there are the people that assume your name is Jennifer. Okay, that isn't my name either. Don't assume anything. I assume you graduated high school, have a common grasp of the English language, can sit upright and use a fork without hurting yourself...silly me -- we're both wrong.

Dear God I'm turning into Kathie Lee

I keep thinking of funny/cute/weird things Andrew does...

Besides the "W" obsession, he loves his elbow. He puts his elbow out and pats it and says "elbow, elbow, elbow". He hugs Jim and my elbow saying "I love my mommy's elbow." "I love my daddy's elbow". He grabs our elbows and bangs his head on them..."elbow, elbow, elbow". I hope this is an indication that he will be an orthopedic surgeon and not some perv in the movie theater hoping someone puts their elbow on his arm rest.

He also likes to do what we call "the happy dance". He sets up a block formation and then does this weird hop, step, jig dance around it. He gets a favorite toy and does the same thing. At Mommy and Me, he finally gets the "item" he wants - puts it down and dances - some other toddler grabs it - he then does his "angry, I'm going to bite your head off" dance.

He does dance as if no one is watching. He is so far more advanced than me. It takes me a half a bottle of mudslide and a blunt object to my head before I could dance as if no one is watching.

I bought a decorative tile at Hallmark yesterday. It reads:

The "Real" to do List:

Smile at strangers.
Keep learning.
Notice kindness.
Eat ice cream.
Count your blessings.
Love some more.

I bought it because I do need to be reminded to live. We all rush through every day. We don't take time to just sit and really play. I am guilty of playing cars with Andrew and while I'm smiling and acting happy I'm stressing over what I should be doing. One day he won't want to play cars. One day he won't want to hug and love mommy's elbow (dear God, I hope). I need to be reminded to count my blessings and dance as if no one is watching.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Now I'm annoying myself

Enough with the rant titles - I'm giving myself a headache.

My son is addicted to the alphabet. My friend, Crissy, with loving sarcasm calls him the alphabet prodigy because at 18 months he could identify any upper case letter that you would point to or write. Now he puts them in alphabetical order (the fridge phonic letters), knows upper and lower case, goes around the house saying "I love W so much" (the letter not the President), "I love the alphabet"'s absolutely makes me break out in a cold sweat. Mind you, he loves trucks, cars, toys, lots and lots of toys, his best buddy, John (Crissy & Denis' son), his parents, his cup - but he has continually played with alphabet and number games for almost four days in a row now (previously only 50 percent of the time). I need to find a program for him...

"Hi, I'm Andrew and I'm an alphabet-o-holic"....

I have to say he does love "W". We have an alphabet train puzzle and we use to start the puzzle with A - but he would say at least 100 times before we got to the middle of the alphabet - "I want W" "I want W" "I want W" W W W W W W W W. I have nightmares of giant Ws chasing we just start at Z and go backwards, if he ends up dyslexic it is his own damn fault.

I'm proud of him that he loves to learn but I think the majority of ability in his INCREDIBLE memory. I could bore you with countless examples but I won't. He inherits his memory from me - I remember everything much to my husband's dismay. My husband, a wealth of knowledge, by any standard, is like the nutty professor sometimes - he once lost two sets of car and house keys within a space of two weeks. He is no longer allowed to carry keys to any of our assets. I was the one that had to go to the car dealer with a signed letter from him (at that time his name was on the title of our car as we had just gotten married) to have duplicate keys made at the cost of $10 each. The key maker had to call my husband on the phone to verify that he indeed approved of the duplication of keys to the car. The guy told me he has to verify everything now because someone came in and made copies to an ex-husband's car and then went and drove it off. He said divorce was nasty sometimes. I told him, "if my husband loses these keys...our divorce will be nasty too."

Well, mudslide is calling...

Third (or technically Fourth) Rant

Finally, it is cold! Global warming my frozen fingers (in lieu of a three letter word that I try not to use any more as we have a 2 1/2 year old parrot).

It started snowing again for about 15 minutes last night. Of course, it was the 15 minutes that Andrew and I had to go to the train station and pick up Jim. I bundled him up (Andrew not Jim) and put on his mittens that are a tad too big. He holds his hands up like a surgeon freshly scrubbed when he has his mittens on. Andrew usually likes for me to lower the rear window so he can hear and see the train better (reminds me of the old line: even Helen Keller can hear a train coming!) but since yesterday on Curious George - the camper that George was in had the sunroof/vent open and it couldn't be closed when it started to storm - and it flooded the camper, Andrew now thinks that any snow/rain will flood our car if we leave the window open. (Note: George saved the day as he had everything they needed to make camp in his backpack ...

Camper fully equipped with satellite television, solar roof panel -- $250,000
Global navigating system -- $500
Camping with a Monkey who loved the show MacGyver -- Priceless.

I'm starting to make dough for 60 baby "onesies" cookies for my friend's shower next week. I'll probably bake them today/tomorrow and start decorating to have them done by Friday. Lily Arline will be the baby's name - I actually like the name Lily (although it does make me think of Yvonne DeCarlo and her Munsters role - sorry Susan). My husband is a traditionalist and if a name doesn't fall into this category he feels Children and Family Services should be notified. Also, apparently he also prefers the traditional puff pastry top to his chicken pot pie and not a cornbread version (which I thought was very good but I'm not a traditionalist -- I'm a road less traveled girl and for me that has made all the difference).

Well, back to the drawing board (rolling pin).....

Friday, January 19, 2007

So much for snow....there wasn't enough to make one good sized snow ball and here I was thinking this morning - I better get to the shed to get out the shovel before it gets too deep out there.

Andrew (the 2 and a 1/2 year old which I shouldn't have to clarify because if my 22 year old did these things we'd be on Jerry Springer sooner than I anticipate) likes to lightly pinch me, wants me to make a face, then he says..."Mommy sad. Mommy got a boo boo. It's okay Mommy. I make you happy." Then he hugs me. He does this 46 times a day, every day.

I made chicken pot pie with a cornbread crust (yes, honey, I got the little baby peas - just in case my husband is reading this) and a beef roast and mashed potatoes. I have to hide both until dinner time or the 22 year old will eat them both. He's like a bear -- sometimes we have to tie Andrew up high in a tree so he won't try to eat him too. I usually don't make two separate meals for dinner but my wonderful, handsome husband asked for chicken pot pie this week and he is sick and I want to do anything I can to make him feel better and I had to cook the roast today. Okay, now I can send him the link to this blog.

Second Rant

Well after a restful night of approximately forty five minutes sleep due to Darth Vader "breathing" next to me, I awaken to clarity and wondered what the hell did I do last night? It must have been all those drugs I took in the 80's - you know, Midol on an empty stomach, followed by a Menthol cigarette and a couple of Contac that lured me into the blogging world.

It's snowing in New York! I say that with excitement now but see most likely Rant entitled "Fourth" (approximately) where I moan and whine about slipping off my back deck for the 100th time because my husband stained it with Glidden's Slip and Fall to your Death Chestnut Brown Stain. I most likely will be writing that rant from traction or prison after I strangle my loving husband (by the way I do love him).

My husband says I have PMS, DMS and PMS (pre, during and post)...actually that is my interpretation of his "is it close to being your ladies' days?" For some reason he asks me this at least twice a's a wonder we leave enough men on this earth to keep the human race going.

Well, today is Curious George on the Roller Coaster - I can't wait!!! I love that Monkey - not in the way that Michael Jackson or the Man in the Yellow Hat does - but in a "that is one damn cute monkey".


First Blog Rant

What have I done? I've started a Blog (sounds like something I drank which induced me to marry my first husband).

I've been on a mad dash to organize our house. I have a confession to make - I'm insane. I collect and collect and have to have every cookbook, baking pan, gadget, pot and utensil out I'm in a self inflicted re-org. I'm going through the entire house and questioning whether it should stay or not. So far, my almost 22 year old son, is in the donate pile and my 2 1/2 year old son is in the keep if he stops biting me pile. Yes, I have two sons twenty years apart...I wanted to be well rested before I had the second child. Seriously, I have donated and gotten rid of mega stuff. I have a huge bin of things to list on e-bay. Every single time I sell something on e-bay I swear it will be the last time - so tired of getting the same stupid questions about reducing shipping, giving them the item for free or if I have any of Whitney Houston's old gowns for sale...or something equally inane.

I can't sleep. My husband (second and last, not to be a third) is sick and trying to breathe - I go from feeling bad for him because he is miserable to contemplating holding a pillow over his face to put him out of both of our miseries. I got out of bed finally at midnight and came in the office and for some unbeknownst reason to me (and probably to you) started a "Blog". Pray for me.

Let's see if I come back here for a second rant.