Monday, February 26, 2007

When will God help my idiot

My son Bryan comes home from work at 5:30 a.m. - Jim told him he had to shovel snow and help out - he does nothing around here - especially in light of the fact that Jim worked on his computer all afternoon and evening.

Bryan asked me -- do you go by any Payless Shoes ever? I said "yes". He said, "Can you get me a cheap pair of shoes - size 12. These broke last week and I duct taped them together." I looked down and sure enough one shoe wrapped in silver duct tape. God, help this idiot.

He then gives me $10 to buy the shoes...he said get the cheapest pair...I'm coming home with gold lame sling backs on clearance from last season in size 8 1/2. He wanted the cheapest pair.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I'm an idiot...and thank God my friends are lazy.

I'm such an idiot - I gave a friend's three year old daughter a birthday card with a frog on it that said HOPPY BIRTHDAY...they are Chinese. Hoppy Birthday. Such an idiot. I'm one step away from Rosie's big slip up insulting the entire Chinese community. If that isn't enough...a couple weeks ago I asked the same friend, who is so sweet, if she could write the name "Lily" in Korean for me - because I wanted to decorate one of the cookies I made for a shower with that for the mom who happens to be Korean. She said, "I could copy it for you if you had it written somewhere but I can't write it." Jokingly, I said to her "what kind of Korean are you", she said, "I'm Chinese". I said, "Are you sure?" Then I said, "Can you learn Korean by Saturday." God helps the idiots....he'll help me.

My two "friends" (and if they weren't truly my friends I don't think that I could bear quote Doc Holliday in Tombstone) who I asked to "stop smoking" in an earlier blog are giving me grief...thank God they are too lazy to open a google account so they can't comment. I use to smoke I know how hard it is to dad died of emphysema and I still smoked, my uncle died of emphysema and I still smoked (both in their early 50's)...and I stopped because Jim told me that he couldn't be with someone who smoked knowing that they were killing themselves..several of his aunts and uncles - dead of lung cancer. Hormones, fertility drugs and four miscarriages have gotten me out of shape again coupled with slacking on my exercise and stopping my isometric exercise...I've started exercising again - but tomorrow I'm hitting it hard and going to do a couple weeks of protein shakes and salads and detox myself...I can't ask others to stop destructive behavior when I am doing the same thing. Just so my two friends know...I do love them and I only say these things out of genuine concern because if they were to get sick - I really don't think that I could bear it...seriously.

Someone once told me that smoking is an oral fixation (he wanted to replace the cigarette with something else) was such a lame comment for a male to make....almost as stupid as me asking three male friends at a St. Louis Blues Hockey Game if they had something to suck on (I had a sore throat). God helps some idiots slower than others.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Happy Happy Day Day!!

New Curious George episodes this week....

What the hell is wrong with Britney Spears - someone needs to help that child before she ends up like Anna Nicole - her mother better haul her ass from Texas and give her a come to Jesus meeting - do people really not care about her? As a human being and a mother - I worry for her two children and truth to be told - I worry about her, I feel bad about Anna Nicole - if people are in crisis why don't their friends, employees, anyone - CALL THEM OUT and help them. I have two friends (who read these posts) and they smoke - they have adorable, beautiful little boys...and every time I see those Stop Smoking commercials where the young boy is telling "us" how much he misses his dad who died from lung cancer or a smoking related disease - I want to drive to their house and smack them. I love them and I want them to stop - so this is my CALLING OUT.

We all need to get involved in our friend's lives - we need to get involved in our strangers lives - if we suspect something is wrong with a child report it, if we have a friend who is self-destructing - nag the shit out of them until they aren't your friend anymore - but at least you've tried...

Stepping off the soapbox and heading to watch George...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Does this ever happen to you?

Do you invite people over to your house and not want them to come? I just invited Jim's whole family over for dinner Saturday night - and now I want to call them up and say - "sorry, changed my mind - I'm going to spend the evening looking down the ever emptying end of a mudslide bottle."

I started this post on Thursday and now it's Monday - half the family couldn't come - so we postponed until March 3rd - hooray!!! I can be lazy. We went shopping and out to lunch Saturday - so we had leftovers Saturday night - I love to cook - but I did not feel like cooking Saturday at all.

Saturday afternoon Jim and I broke up ice and cleaned up sidewalks for two neighbors and worked on ours. Every snow/ice - we take care of our neighbors or try to -- do you think Wednesday when it was icing and miserable and I had a toddler that didn't want to leave my side - that one of them would have spit in our direction - I'm not talking about our elderly neighbors but there are big healthy males in this neighborhood - and not one of them ever thinks of someone else. It irks me that two renters in this neighborhood wouldn't think to help their elderly landlords clean their sidewalk - I'm beginning to really hate people.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Colorado here we come!!!

Jim and I are moving to Colorado - with Andrew. We're going to win the multi-million dollar home, truck and 250K cash price that HGTV is giving away. We're not going to tell Bryan - we're just going to be gone one morning - with all our "nice" stuff. We'll leave him the cr#p and he'll have a few weeks/months before the house is sold.

The house sleeps 13 I think...Jim's family can come and vacation - once a year maybe twice with all that room - I can get away from them and hide...just joking I love them...I really love when they go home...again...just kidding....

I'm in a massive re-decorating, organizing clean mode still. I ordered things from the container store - to organize the cabinets, I'm getting a nice brown quilt and will re-do the bedroom colors (curtains, etc.- the best little whorehouse in Texas look has to go. Although Jim has offered to pay me for sex.

I'm going to sand and paint the kitchen cabinets - an off white to brighten up the kitchen - - Ankit want to come and help??? Ankit, is the only one that reads my blogs. Ankit, will be in my will. Do you like to cook, Ankit? Because all I have to my name are nice kitchen appliances, top of the line pots and knives and over 500 cookbooks...and then there is the 22 year old...anybody want him...anyone??? Bueller? Bueller???

Andrew is too sick to go to school - he was up at 4:45 a.m. and coughed all night - I am miserable myself - I'm decorating the Noah's Ark cookies, the animals (2 mini ones on each ark), heart cookies and pig cookies for Andrew's class on Wednesday - it is Chinese New Year on 2/18 - and Andrew's little friend is Chinese so it will be a good way to teach him about a different culture. So because of all this hand decorating etc. -- my nerve condition - causes my arms to go completely numb especially at night - and I woke up 3 times in horrible pain. Even though Andrew was sick, I had him in the car - and he coughed up a piece of lung...and I still was driving to the school - then guilt got the best of me --. We're going to the doctor at 5:45. He did take a 3 hour nap --- God taketh away, God giveth back.

Bryan is here and that is the only good thing about having him here...he can watch Andrew when he sleeps...Bryan is 6' 3" and weighs 300 probably. Andrew is 39 inches tall and weighs about 37 pounds. Bryan walks in the room...Andrew runs up to him - hits him and says "go away, Brother. Go to your room Brother." David and Goliath. For a long time Andrew called Bryan - BUM - a cross between Brother and Bryan - I swear Jim and I don't call Bryan bum - I swear.

Bryan said my hair looked much better - I got it all chopped off - I didn't want the Telly Savalas look - she took off a little too much - but it feels better and looks better. Jim said when I came home, "Excuse Me, Do I know you Sir." He is not getting any of my cookbooks when I die.

Andrew is wrapping his body around my arm....come Mommy come....

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I'm am the father of Dannilynn...for crying out loud!

I’m throwing my hat in – I may be the father!

All these freaks want Dannilynn’s money. I’m surprised Michael Jackson hasn’t thrown his “hat” in the ring….if the baby was wearing a veil and her nose was sliding off her face – I would say he was as much a candidate as Zsa Zsa's husband or Ice Poppy Howard (he's been dead for over a decade now - what is the freezer life on sperm??? I know I can't keep some meat over 6 months in the freezer). My husband is scary -- he just said something about Billionaire Sperm at the Tasty-Freeze - I said, "it could be Ben & Jerry's new flavor" -- "Everything but the Frozen Sperm" Jim added. Sometimes he is almost as funny as I and sometimes I am almost as modest as he. I do think that Howard Stern (her lawyer, partner) appears to genuinely care about her - but who the hell knows.

Rosie was bashing Anna Nicole the morning of her death. Rosie has some clout. I want to tell her she can bash my ex-husband all she wants... The whole thing is sad.

On another frightening note, I'm already freaking out about our bathroom gutting. It won't be until April - but we'll be without a shower for 7 days. I'm going to have to whore myself to use someone's shower (if I were my mother I could just go to the truck stop - they all know her there)...and anyone in their right mind wouldn't want Bryzilla in their shower - so we're going to have to run him through the car wash...Andrew -- we can fill up a big tub and give him a wash or go to one of his aunt's houses ... I think we should have the half bath remodeled first and add a shower stall (we'll have to cut into Bryzilla's room...) then we'll have backup...I have to win that damn Room a Day Giveaway - Kimberly Clark is having .... I've entered every day. I never win anything.

Okay, back to dinner - I'm making Hawaiian chicken rolls - butter, macadamia nuts, green onions, parsley spread on flatten chicken breasts rolled up, dredged in egg then breadcrumbs with coconut - I'm making basil garlic rice to go with it. Luckily Bryzilla won't eat anything this good...leftovers for the mere mortals!

I baked 45 Noah's Ark cookies and 90 plus mini animal pairs (elephant, giraffe, lions) - two for each packet for another baby shower....the things I get myself into. The price of being good.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

This must be my lucky day!

My almost 22 year old, very smelly, son (yes, I have a 22 year old and a 2 1/2 year old) handed me his hamper of laundry...and with a big smile said - "I unrolled the socks so that you won't have to*." Like that was the most wonderful thing he could do as he handed me the stinky hamper of underwear, socks and work clothes.

It doesn't get much better than this!

**for over six months now I have been telling him - unroll your friggin socks - I want the least amount of toxic exposure as possible - he takes them off and they are in a rolled ball and they won't get somewhat clean or dry if you don't unroll them...what is so hard about remembering that???? It goes along with put the seat down, try to hit the BIG BOWL of WATER that is actually the TOILET, and for the love of God what is that smell in here?

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Show & Tell

Today was Toddler Time at Police Athletic League.

Crissy's sister-in-law, Rosie, is good – she had 100 things that start with “C” to give all the kids with loser parents that didn’t bring a show and tell. Too bad the letter of the day was “B”.

Anyhoo….she was passing out coins, cups, Cinderella dolls, plastic CORN, I said loudly…”Rosie is so good she almost took the carburetor out of the van so every child could have a “C” object.” Again, too bad the letter of the day was “B”. Andrew happily took the coin from Rosie but lost all interest as soon as John had a CAR. He threw the coin at Ms. Bess, the teacher. I said you only throw money at women if they are dancing.

Rosie & Denis (Crissy's husband) got there at 9:30? Too bad it starts at 10:30. Andrew was a fart – he woke up coughing up a lung and miserable but I wanted him to go…I swear even if he is on an IV tomorrow – I’m getting my two hours of freedom…I want my two hours!!!

Monday, February 5, 2007


My 2 1/2 year old son - just pulled on his pants and said he had a wedgie. Dear God, it starts already.

Fine kettle of fish...Ankit started

My friend, Ankit, posted a blog about his nephew who greeted him at the front door when the came for his birthday party with "Hi, did you bring me my presents?"

I ask my husband the same question every night - "Did you bring me presents?"...Every night I get the same thing - the paper to recycle (the same paper I picked up off the driveway in the freezing cold and put into his backpack after I start the car to warm up to take him to the train station) and his dirty, empty lunch container - (the same container I filled and packed the same morning). I can't even get the "free" basket that I was promised from work that someone else TOOK..or my friggin red tin that I filled with brownies for the heathens he works with - he thinks someone TOOK it. That's more baked goods until I get the tin back! I better not get a picture of a dented tin in front of today's newspaper - with a ransom note! It's not fair I tell you...not fair at all.

Two hours of freedom....sweet freedom

...Second day - drop off...Andrew fussed a little then was fine until he heard me in the "lobby" room waiting for him. From 9:25 a.m. until 11:15 a.m. - I accomplished the following: bank, grocery store, thrift store (I'm addicted...I donate lots of things...but I love my treasure hunts too), fueled the car, put groceries, etc. away, did a load of laundry, vacuumed the house, unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the bathroom....I also worked out when I got home- Andrew was so happy to see me - he "let" me and I even got to shower...Lincoln freed most of us a long time ago ... Thinkertots freed me this month...Praise the Lord...I'm free at last.

When I was pulling away from the school this morning, my friend Crissy was pulling up - we waved and I wanted to make the light.....she called me 6 minutes later, I answered the cell: "I'm 50 miles away already." She laughed and said - "you made it to the Hamptons!"....

I love my son - but this two hours two days a week is SWEET!!!!