Friday, March 30, 2007

Facial Profiling

We live on Long Island. My husband takes the Long Island Railroad into Penn Station - walks over to Herald Square and then takes the New Jersey Path to go to work in Hoboken. He use to work in Manhattan but his company moved to NJ to save money on rent/taxes.

My husband in December grew a beard. Everyone is AMAZED by this beard like they have never seen facial hair before. Since December Jim has had his backpack searched three times before getting into the train station (we do that in NY since 9/11 it is suppose to be random) - for the many years before the beard - how many times did he have his backpack searched - ZERO. So he was telling his friend Ankit about it -- "it's not racial profiling, it's facial profiling" - he was quite tickled with this (hence Ankit's comment on my last post).

Also....more facial news - my sister in law picked up our cousins who flew to Florida yesterday for some R & R. Apparently, they have no conversational skills whatsoever and could only managed to talk about Jim's beard. My sister in law...said "we have never seen Jim with facial hair send us a picture" - for some reason this annoyed me - so I sent them a picture of the Geico cave man with this e-mail:

"Poor Chris & Beth - come all the way to Florida and all they have to talk about is Jim's beard. Maybe it's because you can see a likeness of the Virgin Mary when the sun hits it just right."

You think we got problems in Iraq and now Iran - wait until they read this.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I don't need to find a new baby daddy!

Jim's tests were all negative. Now I can be my usual bitchy self. Dear God, it was literally killing me having to not nag at him when he said, "What?" for the 100th time or any number of things.

So many funny things to post this week but I was too worn out to do post them...now I can stop worrying, start nagging and be happy again!

Hooray!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Raffle anyone?

My husband told me sometime ago that he had won $50 in a hockey raffle for his boss' son. I assumed that he had gotten the money...for some reason we were talking about it last night. He said that he never got the money...and he said his boss just probably forgot.

I said, "Drop subtle reminders....I'll get that report right to you but first I have to RAFFLE though some papers...Did I tell you we're having another child - we're going to name him Raff...eal...." Jim said, "I'm going to the roof and will raf-fle I mean repel myself down the side.." - okay those last two are pushing it...but he said he would never ask him about it - because he might embarrass his boss...I said, "Embarrassed hell...fifty dollars is fifty dollars...tell him 'hey did you hear that 50 cent is changing his name to 50 dollar'...." His boss had sent him an e-mail telling him he won....I told him to forward back the e-mail to him (like bosses do) and ask him the status of this? Or when his boss comes again for raffle ticket sales -- just tell him to use the winnings from the last raffle and "let it ride".

Our son, is a mini-Jim. He will do anything for a laugh. I have these clog shoes that I wear all the time - he grabbed them yesterday and ran and then put them on - "look at me...look at me...I need a hat." Then he went to the shoe bench by the back door - and tried on every shoe - with Jim's Mets hat on. He was so proud of himself for making us laugh. He's his generation's answer to Jerry Lewis.

He's been biting and hitting again. Yesterday - he was put in the corner for hitting me (he has spent a lot of time in the corner) and we try to talk to him - while he is sobbing uncontrollably about being punished so severely ... and we tell him "Biting (or hitting) hurts and it makes the other person feel bad. You can't bite or hit anyone." He says, "I can bite John". (His little friend). "No, you can't bite anyone." Then he goes down the list of people hoping that he'll "hit" one he can bite. I'm exhausted.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Prayer time

My husband's father died of stomach cancer. His sister died of colon cancer - was diagnosed in March of 2004 and died September 4, 2004 - it was aggressive and fast growing - she was 52.

After much nagging and bitching on my part, my husband finally got his colonoscopy. The doctor said it was good that he came so early (he's 41). They removed 12 polyps. Polyps are mostly benign - but this scares me. Two of Jim's siblings had colonscopies - no polyps. Mary Ellen (the sister who died) had polyps. I'm worried. We'll know next week.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dear God, Why is this dog licking my face?

I go to sleep last night - and Jim is still puttering around the house. Suddenly, I'm having this horrible dream that this hairy, wet dog was kissing and licking my face...and then I'm half awake and I realize it's my husband. He has to get rid of this beard - I can't be woken up at midnight for a booty call by Scooby Doo...and then all during the "activity" I want to laugh thinking that I thought Scooby Doo was kissing me and I had to stifle the urge to say "Good boy....good boy..roll over.. do you want a scooby snack?"... Afterwards, I tell Jim and we laugh and he said, "Oh God your blog tomorrow!" It's a dog eat dog world.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Nigella Lawson

If I were a lesbian (my husband would be so turned on right now) - I'd be hot for her....she's beautiful, funny, smart, writes and loves to cook. (We'd fight in the kitchen because it is MY KITCHEN!!!) I watched her biography on Food Network last night - she is amazing - all the pain she suffered - her mother dying of cancer, her 32 year old sister, her 47 year old husband - and she is such an inspiration. Her philosophy and thoughts on life made me wake up and smell the Diet Pepsi (I don't drink coffee). Life is for living...stop worrying about what tomorrow will bring - embrace each day and LIVE, EAT and be HAPPY!

Monday, March 19, 2007

If he doesn't die...I'll kill him

My husband...he is having a colonoscopy on Friday - he says he thinks the doctors are looking for Bin Laden since he has had about a half dozen rectal exams. Why is it that a rectal exam is so traumatic for a man and women have their ob/gyn's arms up them most of the time? I spent nine months with my small Korean doctor up -- I think Dr. Park was up there as much as Andrew was ... men get over it.

Now he says he has a mouth tumor - some growth under his tongue. I say off with his tongue.

Andrew's chest x-ray has been in the car for a couple weeks - I need to return it to the radiologist - (the immunologist wanted to look at it himself). This morning, ol' tumor tongue said, "take this back will you?"... I said, "yes, as soon as I get done eating bon-bons all day and doing the pool boy". He makes me crazy mad sometimes and it is a good thing I don't have a gun....speaking of guns - I had a dream about Bryan (the 22 y/o) and guns. Very weird.

Last thing, I was very upset to see that Steve Bartelstein was fired from my morning news program - apparently he was sleeping through a spot and allegedly there are reports of meth use and him stalking a man (I didn't even know he was gay!). I was talking to Jim this morning about it while he was getting dressed for work - and the whole time he is looking in the mirror at himself. I'm going to just put a mirror in the bed next to him and they should be very happy together, the tongueless one and the mirror.

I love my husband and he is a good man and father but sometimes...I know he feels this way about me most of the time - like he could kill me. I've been very depressed and sad lately and he was worried about 10 minutes after I told him I was feeling this way. He said he would try to be more understanding...that too lasted about 10 minutes. Men are very much in the moment beings...after that moment you are history. I guess I'm ranting about him today because I am especially sad and depressed today and nobody notices or cares. I have a saying written on a piece of paper on my fridge "If you are lucky enough to live here, you are lucky enough." I do believe that - I am so lucky to have Jim and Andrew (Bryan...that is another kind of luck) but no matter how good you have things - sometimes you are just sad and there is nothing you can do about it. Rosie hangs upside down for her depression - I couldn't do that - then I'd have Donald Trump all over my ass.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Brad & Angelina stopped by

Had the weirdest dream - Brad, Angelina and the new Vietnamese child stopped by to visit with us. Allegedly, Angelina and I are friends from way back....It was weird. Brad kept calling Angelina -- Joanna - I had to take care of the child and Angelina was on the phone....the entire visit. Very strange.

Something just crashed to the floor in the living room. I don't want to know. Don't ask .... don't tell.

Made corned beef, crispy cabbage with bacon and potatoes yesterday along with Irish soda bread. I made two extra loaves for neighbors along with cupcakes and cookies for folks.

Went to church today with Jim - Andrew was sooo well behaved. He looked so handsome in his church clothes and it was the first time I got to sit in the church the entire mass....did I mention that Andrew fell asleep in my arms before the mass started and woke up at Communion (when the bells were jingled before Communion - he picked up his head and said, "what that?"). God is watching us....God is watching us. Everything lately is "what that?" "That cared me that loud noise." "What you doin' mom?" I love that child.

Thursday we were at the park with Jade and her daughter Melissa and we had a picnic. Friday we had 6 plus inches of ice and snow. Al Gore is right!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Soon I'll forget that I was even trying to remember...

I have lots of difficulty trying to remember things lately.

I was sitting with a friend a few weeks back and I told her I think I have Lou Gehrig's disease...I have a lot of choking episodes and trouble swallowing, I have pain and numbness in my arms, joint and bone pain, etc. She said her uncle had ALS and those are the final stages of the disease and I screamed, "Oh, dear God, I'm in the final stages." She laughed and I laughed...but I told her I'm a lot tougher than most folks - before I find out I have something I will probably be in the final stages. The only thing that frightens me about death is leaving Andrew. For lack of a better phrase, it would kill me not to be around to see him. I hope there is a heaven and that we can watch over our loved ones. He has been such a mama's boy lately..."mommy, mommy, mommy." I leave the room, "Mommy, you gone". I go to the store and Jim is home, I come back - "Mommy you gone". He really can lay on the guilt. Besides all my prayers for the sick, hungry, poor, etc. I pray that I will at least be around until he is somewhat grown.

Plight of the Stay at Home Mom

My husband worked today for a special project (it's Sunday). He told me when he got home - after I spent nine hours feeling bad (I have a cold) with a cranky toddler that he wanted "s-e-x" and then he said, "don't worry I'll be very workman about it."

I said, "great...that means -- I'll wait around for you, you'll do a shabby job, leave a mess and then won't return my calls. Great."

Andrew has been doing this thing lately that is funny. He'll ask me to look for something he has misplaced...I'll search for the item for sometimes 15 to 60 minutes. I'll find it. Then he'll grab it, run through the house and yell, "I found it. I found it." I ask him, "Who found that book, Andrew?" "I did, mommy." 100 percent man - always losing something, takes credit for a woman's hard work and then brags about it!

Mouth to Snout

Okay, I just read about this great guy who rescued his dog from a frozen lake and gave her mouth to snout CPR - that is amazing as I don't think I would give my 22 year old smelly son mouth to snout (I mean) mouth CPR...(probably I would...probably).

Last December I spotted a woman lying on her front lawn...a woman sitting in a car in front of the house, and other cars slowing and not stopping. I had Jim stop the car and grabbed the cell phone - I asked the woman in the car - "has anyone called for help" - she put up her hands and shook her head no. I called 911. Jim parked the car and came over. I saw a CVS pharmacy bag - asked Jim to find out her name and see what was in there...her purse and gloves lay there. Her eyes were fixed and she was foaming at the mouth. I started chest compressions and we held her hand and called her name - and told her to hang in there - she never showed any signs of response. The fire department finally got there -and took over - after lots of work - they got a rhythm - but she ended up dying at the hospital. I cried and cried...how can you let someone just lay in their front yard and not do anything?

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Men and boys

Monday when I took Andrew to his two hour drop off program (from which I go running and screaming "free at last, free at last....thank God almighty...I'm free at last) all the way there he said, "I don't want to go to cool" (he has a problem with his "s" and "l"s). We get there and it's like "mom are you still here?" actually he doesn't even speak to me - he starts running, doing his happy dance and playing.

When I went to pick him up, Miss Thelma told me that he said in the middle of class "Excuse me, Miss Thelma, could I borrow your phone. I want to call my mommy I'm ready to go home." - She swears he said it just like that - so funny.

He misses his friend John - John went to Florida to visit his grandma and grandpa - and Andrew said he wants to go visit his grandma. He doesn't have grandparents. So we are looking to adopt. Please forward applications to this blog account.

Yesterday, I re-organized the bedroom - I put my books to read on a new little book case and moved things to the basement - and I moved our hamper to the other side of the room and put a little end table where the hamper use to be.

This morning I went to put something in the hamper and it was still empty (I did laundry yesterday) and I wondered where was Jim's underwear and socks...I thought to myself he didn't....I turned around - and on the floor where the hamper use to be were his dirty socks and underwear. I called him up and I said, "I can't believe you did that." He said that he tried to lift the lid on the end table but of course there wasn't one...then he said he thought about putting it in the drawer on the end table but that was too much effort so he threw them on the floor.

I'm re-negotiating my contract.

Lastly, we have pretty good neighbors mostly all retired but there is a couple next door that is our age or thereabouts. They have a seven year old and when it is remotely comfortable outside that seven year old knocks on the smelly retired fireman down the street - nice guy but he is the loudest most annoying screamer that ever lived. We pay nearly $3,000 a month mortgage - we shouldn't have to hear screaming and yelling at our bedroom windows (actually I can hear him throughout the entire house). It's annoying and frustrating. Every time I grapple with calling the police for disturbing the peace - I take him caramel apples, brownies anything for him to chew so he'll shut the f*** up but nothing works. We left Flushing for some peace and quiet and from Spring until first freeze - there is no such thing here. Even their teenage daughter who is a sweetheart -- screams - is that normal? Do other people scream instead of talking? Do other people think about their neighbors and that they might be disturbing someone? This is especially FRUSTRATING when Andrew is napping or I'm sleeping at 10 at night. I'm moving to the woods.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

I'm so out of here...

I'm taking my 2 1/2 year old son, the only person in this world that genuinely loves me, and moving to a cabin in the woods with no television, no radio, no newspapers and we're going to live off the land.

We can't say "gay" in any context, we can't be gay, we can't be pro-Bush, against war, for war, pro-choice, play doctor, afford a doctor or dentist (we could have spent $80 to pull a bad tooth and save a 12 year old boy but end up paying $250,000 for intensive care and surgery and paid the ultimate price, a precious life lost), dear God I pray that we don't have a woman for President - men are stupid - but I know there are times I would blow up the damn world - and today is one of them...WE can't do anything right anymore and I am sick of it.

Dear God....help me be able to suffer the fools. And God, where are you? Don't give me that Footprints in the Sand story.