Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Pity Party is Raging

Andrew has had a horrible regression - due to many things - his being sick this summer (twice), the school location changed, teachers changed and schedules change (due to being in another day care facility - ICCD said they had to abide by their schedule - two to two and a half hour naps in the afternoon - meaning - Andrew laid on a mat staring at a wall for two hours when he is suppose to have structure) - and I'm furious with ICCD for doing all of this - the purpose of summer session is to avoid regression - keep everything on schedule. His play therapy stopped due to vacation - his social skills group stopped due to vacation - so basically no services in August.

No one wants to play with him - it breaks my heart - he doesn't hit kids anymore (just me)- but he does get in kids faces and act aggressive. Kids want to do other things - like the pool and Andrew is scared of the pool - but even if I try to plan things - BBQs, festivals - everyone says yes- and then it is no. No one calls us anymore - unless they have a problem or want help with something - it sounds like I'm whining but it is true. We have no one - no family, no friends, nothing. I scheduled a big playdate for September and I canceled it - only one person responded as of yet -- but all his service providers say that Andrew should have short, calm playdates and get him back under control and that I should never think about doing any thing like that. It's hard to have people over here - even adults - I'm basically a hermit. Jim attends parties and sports event and he goes out to work - and yes it is stressful - but it still is a respite. I love my son more than anything on this earth - but sometimes I want to hide too.

Jim came home early from work last night (6:15 usually home @ 9:30) - I thought to support me because I spent most of the day crying and just felt bad. He came home in a pissy mood because he went to a ball game with friends the night before and was tired. He played with Andrew ten minutes - put his "I'm sick of this" face on when Andrew started being "Andrew" and I ended getting Andrew ready for bed and read him books. Then Jim ate and watched football (pre-season game).

I was crying and just fell asleep @ 8:30 and the phone rings - it's a friend canceling our playdate for Wednesday afternoon - that just set me off again. She canceled because her daughter doesn't want to play with Andrew any more. We had had lunch after Bible Camp yesterday - and her daughter elbowed Andrew once and pinched him - and Andrew honestly didn't hit her or retaliate but I think the girl knows it is a matter of time or wants to go to the pool - either way I'm going to have to deal with a sad kid.

I have something tentatively set up with another mom who son has PDD - for Thursday. Hopefully, that will work out.

I am really at the end of a very weak rope.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Pity Party....Party of One...

I'm having my own little pity party. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm thinking this is the beginning of a bad profile for

It's 8:30 - I'm going to bed because I have the flippin' flu again - dear God - here a strain, there a strain, everywhere a strain...strain.

Day one down of holy roller bible camp. We're Catholic. I'm not a "devout" Catholic. I believe in God, I believe in doing the right thing, etc. I don't believe everything that's fed to me...I wasn't just tossed off the turnip truck....but Andrew's friend Melissa is going to this camp - hand raising, praise God - and it's $50 for five days, three hours a day....they can turn him into a tele-Evangelist for that money. I now am flashing on Cartman's tele-Evangelistic period ...

Cartman: For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Right here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?!

Ugly Girl: Yes!!

Cartman: He is gonna take that ugly face and make you reasonable to look at! [smacks her on the face] Bah!

Ugly Girl: Waah.

Cartman: [moonwalks] Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good Lord, somebody say "Amen!"

We still laugh at that (me and all the voices in my head).

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

"I'm a failure"

My sweet precious five year old told me that today as he got into the car crying because he couldn't stand the noise at the park we stopped at after school. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Yes, his autism could be so much worse. Yes, he could have something terminal. Yes, we are lucky and blessed to have the resources we have to get him the help he needs. But for fuck's sake, it breaks my heart for him to say these things. "Nobody likes me." "Everyone hates me." "I don't have any friends." I can tolerate those - but "I'm a failure."

I can't type anymore. I can't see the screen.