Friday, August 20, 2010

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to....

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Really rough.

Andrew missed a friend's birthday party on Sunday - so I called the mom yesterday and said - can we take B___ out for pizza to give her the birthday gifts we had. She said that would be so nice and proceeded to tell me that when they were doing the invitations they were worried that Andrew would do something weird and ruin her party. That made me cry all day. But nevertheless, we set up a play date for today with another friend to join us too.

This morning Andrew woke up in a hitting and name calling mood. I knew I should cancel -- that Andrew would hold true to her expectations. But I didn't because Andrew cried and he wanted to go. Plus I didn't want her to think that we were all crazy - canceling the day after I set it up. Five phone calls this morning initiated by the other mom- and it was changed to us coming to their house to swim and have pizza. Originally, we were going to meet at the pizza place.

Andrew was okay for about 45 minutes - then the screaming began. Then he beat the crap out of me - and head butted me so hard in my face that I thought my nose was broken - I almost passed out. Just for the record - you do see stars. The mom made lots of comments. I was mortified and I looked at her and said - "well, you were right - he would have ruined your party".

We left. I want to die.

We have four days next week in Mystic CT with his friend Timmy who he loves but fights with and treats like dirt. If we hadn't prepaid - I would get out of this. It's going to be hell.

Also for the record, I hate being like this - I hate being negative Nancy. I hate being exhausted. I hate crying all the time. I hate it. I love my son. I hate the autism.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Two steps forward, a half mile back.

Dear God,

Why do you give us four great weeks and then bam hit us with a spinning head and pea soup?

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,
Andrew's Mom

There are no words to describe my exhaustion and despair. The last two weeks have been ......bad.

Today at McDonald's - I wanted to throw myself on the deep fryer. Everyone there was staring at us. Andrew wouldn't stop screaming at the top of his lungs - and I couldn't leave because I was waiting for my friend to come and collect her son from me -- by the time she got there - he was calmer but the forty five minutes before that was another story. Not only the screaming, but the going after other children, putting his friend Timmy in a headlock (three times), crawling under the table to attack him, screaming every time Timmy said anything that Andrew did like and that was pretty much everything, screaming at the other kids who were screaming like Michael Myers was after them....there was more but I have tried to block it out.

Jim goes to Philadelphia on Saturday for a METS game - and Andrew and I are suppose to go to a block party - and you know what I DON'T WANT TO GO. I don't want to have my entire Saturday afternoon spent playing defense. I can't do it. I can't.

I'm battling some pretty serious issues myself - and I'd rather just spend Saturday home alone with my little Regan and be safe. If that makes me a shitty mother, so be it.

I spend all week - cleaning, cooking, running errands, driving my 82 year old friend to the store and once a week to her doctor - baking cookies for people even after I say "no I don't have the time"...I don't want to spend my weekend trying to protect other children from my son.

My 82 year old friend - nominated me for the Make a Difference Award for the Town of Hempstead. I don't want it. I want to get off the waiting list for the Anchor Camp for autistic kids - I want Andrew to go to a camp where they can deal with his issues and help him not to regress. This last week at the YMCA in Queens has not been good. So Kate Murray, Town of Hempstead - when you get Flo's letter - don't give me the "medal" - give me a shorter wait.