Monday, November 29, 2010


Andrew has been much calmer with his father and myself...but he still can't have a friend around without pulverizing them. It's horribly depressing. I've been so sad for the last two weeks - and I couldn't talk to Jim about it - or he'd be beyond consolation. That changed on Wednesday when I had a nervous breakdown.

On Wednesday, he pounded his friend in the chest because she switched a ball she had gotten from the 25 cent machine with one he got - I'm not sure of the exact timing of events or how it all went down - - but it was traumatic for me. My sister-in-law was there and I think she was shocked by how violent he can become. He pushed her to the ground and when she tried to get up - he pounded her in the chest. His friend is usually quick and doesn't get the brunt of his aggression but this time - the look on her made my heart sink.

Once I got home, I started down the slippery slope of despair. Andrew then began to obsess incessantly about the Hoops for Heart event at school - begging me to call people, begging me to e-mail and look under couch cushions (apparently the teachers tell them to do that -- why do they do that - do they realize this child is prone to anxiety attacks and obsession -- yes, the do they know his diagnosis he is in an inclusion class?). He had already given his tooth fairy money for the cause and we donated $50.00. He then started with "can we put daddy's work down for $50?" He kept repeating and repeating until I just lost it. I took the form away. I told him if he asked again he couldn't participate. He grabbed the form. He said okay that he understood. Two minutes later, "can daddy's work put down $50?" I grabbed the form and crumbled it up. I felt like the most heinous person in the whole fucking world for doing that. (I will never understand how people who abuse their children sleep at night. I was ready to take my life because of this out of control action of mine -- yes, crumbling up his form nearly killed me...but worse yet...."it's okay mommy don't cry - I like it crumbled - but why did you do that?" I called everyone I knew to get another form (I did get a new one this morning). I wanted to die. Because he had really pummeled his friend at the diner and then was harassing me about this pledge drive - I lost it. I don't want to be that person. I don't like that person.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Mass - I prayed for strength. I prayed to be a better mom and a better person.

Friday was bad. Andrew wanted a big huge box that we were throwing out from the basement to make a "star fighter". I knew that he would become frustrated. But how could I not let him build something. 7:30 a.m. he's trying to build the star fighter and then he messed up some writing on the side. He started screaming. He started at me. He hit me fifteen times before I could contain him. He got away and picked up the dining room chair and threw it and broke a piece of it. When I went to pick it up, he pounded me in the back so hard - I almost cried. In my head I kept thinking - he did this to his friend three times in the chest and she is a little girl. I told him that was it. The box was going away until he could control himself. He came at me again and sunk his teeth into my arm. I just started crying.

This "disease" is so fucking lonely.

Jim worked all day Saturday (he has been working alot). My friends took Andrew to the Children's Museum and then they all came for dinner and it was a good day. Andrew hasn't been sleeping well. He was up alot Saturday night - and I was up with him from before midnight until after 1:30 a.m. - then Jim's phone started ringing - and I didn't fall back to sleep until 3 a.m. That morning Andrew was up at 5:30 and I got up with him while Jim slept until about 8:30. I was exhausted. So after church around 2 p.m., I wanted to lie down for an hour. Jim wanted to watch football. Andrew went to play on the computer. Apparently, Andrew kept losing his patience and kept screaming and Jim kept screaming and I felt like a maniac. I was so tired and every time I would dose off the screaming started. Andrew came in the bedroom sobbing because Daddy was yelling. I apparently yelled "what is going on?" and Jim then decided to take him outside because I yelled at him and that made him feel guilty because he had been yelling at him all afternoon. I got up after no nap, did some dishes and went outside too and we had a good time with friends from the neighborhood.

Now apparently Jim is beside himself for putting work, football -- first. Every day for years Andrew has said, "Do you think Daddy will come home and surprise me?" Jim leaves for work at 7 a.m. and comes home most nights at 9:30 p.m. Once a week or so 11 or after. Here lately he has worked a couple Saturdays. He's a train wreck because he never sees Andrew and on the one day he is home - we have church and then Jim wants his football.

I'm a train wreck. I can't tear myself up anymore for being a physical and emotional wreck. Six days a week lately - I am alone with Andrew and while I know I can do better - I also know I do a pretty damn good job. Jim's football could wait - it's being DVR'd for pity's sake - play with your son the one day you see him - so you don't have to beat yourself up the next day and make me feel even worse for wanting to take a nap.

I told them both - it's a new day, a new beginning. No more yelling. We'll see how that goes.

I have to go now - he is screaming in the living room . That is how it goes.

Addendum: Crisis averted there - only dead batteries in the Wii remote.